


all we ever wanted

by bucklinbarnes



Category: Actor RPF, Marvel Cinematic Universe RPF
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Falling In Love, Fluff, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Romance, True Love, break-up
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-25
Updated: 2018-12-21
Packaged: 2019-07-02 07:39:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15792033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bucklinbarnes/pseuds/bucklinbarnes
Summary: “I really like Chris Evans and so, that was easy for me to like Steve Rogers.”





	1. Chapter 1

As the sun drops lower in its path to meet the earth, purple and pink paint the east coast skyline - shades of red and gold dissipating towards the ground. Sebastian loves sunsets. Any natural phenomenon of nature really, but _sunsets_? In his top 10.

Maybe it’s the romantic in him; taking pictures of the sky to fill his camera roll whenever there’s a view he wants to capture - a few instagram likes don’t hurt. And he likes to think they’re at least a bit artistic. He did always want to take a shot at filmmaking.

Around the property Sebastian can smell pine trees, and from behind him, the savory scent of dinner being prepared.

Tonight reminds him of a 1950s film, jazz music, candlelight. Particular old man taste aside, Sebastian is feeling pretty fantastic.

Maybe it’s just Chris. Having him around 24/7 lately, running into him whenever he turns a corner in their house. _Their house_!

Yeah, officially moving in together has its perks.

Sure they’ve lived out of each other’s homes for most of their relationship, but this house is the first one that they bought as a couple, the first they’d moved a majority of their shared belongings into, the first he can picture raising a family in.

His heart practically skips a beat at the the thought. He’s never felt more secure and safe than he does right now.

It’s pretty fucking amazing.

They’re in upstate New York, with perfect access to the city but also a fair amount of quiet. Of course it was a bit in Sebastian’s favor – having lived in the state for near his whole life – but it has started to grow on Chris a lot too.

Chris still keeps the house he owns in Boston to stay close to family, as well as the California house, only using it whenever he’s in the area. Sebastian is the same with his penthouse in Soho. LA is more of a party location, where Chris also stores large Captain America souvenirs and (at Seb’s request) the Patriots memorabilia.

They made some good memories there. But years ago, during days clouded with doubt and loneliness, Sebastian remembers getting late night phone calls from Chris while sitting awake and aimless in his high-rise apartment.

_“It’s too empty and big when you’re not here. I can’t stand it.”_

Hushed words that were painful to hear at the time, even now. Chris always told him that whenever he was in New York it was like he was subconsciously chasing Sebastian’s shadow. The long-distance separation thing wasn’t good for them. At all.

Maybe a Sebastian in his early 30s would deny it was anything serious, that he and Chris were just a couple of guys having fun. But that was never true. No matter long it took for him to admit it to himself.

There was something about Chris, a small indescribable thing, that pulled Sebastian towards him, like a reflex he didn’t know he had; magnetic. He can still feel it a decade later.


	2. Chapter 2

**Los Angeles, 2010**

Blue eyes meet grey.

“Hi, I’m Chris.”

 _I know_ , he thinks. _We’ve met before. Small world. You’re famous._ “Sebastian. Nice to meet you.”

They shake hands for the first time.

Chris got the lead role Sebastian originally auditioned for, _of course he did_ , and stands there looking like it was made for him. Him and his stupid sculpted body visible through a sweater, and charming demeanor that makes everyone swoon.

Chris is all sunshine when offers a polite smile. Sebastian blames the pleasant electric current rising up his forearm during their brief touch on excessive caffeine.

They’re at one of Marvel’s headquarters and he’s sweating, trying to hide it, returning a shy unsteady grin. Getting this callback at all, even after reading for Steve 4 times, meant the world to Sebastian, probably saved him from another horrible vampire flick audition too. He’s nervous after getting his first big franchise gig, and doesn’t want to blow it. He thinks he’s alone.

But Chris is there.

Right in front of him. Feeling the same rush of anxiety.

Thinking this role is too big of a commitment, that he’ll disappoint people and have even more regrets.

But he thinks he just might be in love with Sebastian.


	3. Chapter 3

**San Diego, 2013**

Comic-con is crazy. It isn’t Sebastian’s first time, but it’s the first big one. He’s overwhelmed with the amount of support the second film has gotten, and can’t believe he’s a part of it. He’s starting to think he hit a lucky streak ever since being casted.

The actors have been greeting fans all day, and now they’re sat at a long booth together signing autographs.

Sebastian feels comfortable in his John Bender inspired outfit - being the 80s film geek he is - although he forgot to wash his hair last night. It’s still manageable enough to slick back and call it a style choice, and if the appreciative glances from Chris are any indication, it looks nice when tucked behind his ears.

Chris is sat beside him, and when he’s not watching him scribble away in sharpie, they’re talking like best friends. Which they are, really.

During the first cap they hung out for months prior to filming, and continued that throughout the shoot. Sitting together in their trailers sharing stories, playing computer games goaded on by Hayley, going out for drinks after finishing up and barely making the sober travel back to the hotel.

This new movie lets them pick up right where they left off. But where they left off was - _Chris laughing at his joke just now, wrapping an arm around him to grab the back of his neck. Staring at his lips, leaning in, leaning in..._

Turning away at the last second, burying his face in Sebastian’s denim-covered right shoulder.

It was complicated. That’s what he tells himself.

A few one night stands 2 years ago shouldn’t have changed anything.

Except that it did. Obviously. And judging by the heated looks, Chris wants him still. _Today_. That’s a lot to process. Especially when for the past year there had been radio silence, neither of them expecting to ever work together again. Sebastian felt a hollow ache in his chest the whole time. Some insecure part of his brain told him that Chris wouldn’t be interested. That he was never really into men, that their time together only took place because of convenience - _not an uncommon hollywood occurrence_ \- and that Sebastian wouldn’t be good enough for him even if he was sexually flexible.

And what exactly did _he_ want out of this? Sebastian didn’t let himself think about it often. It was just so easy, so incredibly easy, to be with Chris.

All he knows is that his friend brought something out of him he’s never felt before. And he wants it back.

They’re halfway through filming Winter Soldier at this point, and he can’t help but wonder whether Chris will make a move again. His questions are answered for him later that day, when a strong hand finds his nape and a soothing worn out voice murmurs, “Come by my room after?”

He knows he looks too eager when he answers, but doesn’t care anymore.

“Yeah.”

And before Sebastian realizes it, he’s pressed up against the inside of a hotel door, warm body draped over his, the life being kissed out of him, fingers tugging his mid-length hair. _Thank god._ It even feels just a bit frantic, which is new. His body melts with relief.


	4. Chapter 4

**Singapore, 2016**

The fireworks are going off in glowing red, white and blue above them. Some take the shape of cap’s shield. Some the outlines of stars. Sebastian desperately wants to hold Chris’ hand.

They’re out in public, there’s cameras, so he can’t. It’s a professional press event for Christ’s sake.

But the stunning streaks of light flying over the water in a foreign country he’s never been to before make him feel like he’s allowed. That this is just for them.

Lately he’s been feeling different. Maybe traveling alone with the man beside him right now has put some unrealistic ideas inside his head, already in the clouds. But god, does it ever remind him of some type of honeymoon getaway.

That’s never what this was supposed to be about in the beginning. Just co-stars blowing off steam. Locked away from the real world in their movie set bubble, helping each other relax and feel good. But now there’s an intimacy between them, and Sebastian doesn’t think he can replace it anymore. What he’s found with Chris, he can’t with anyone else. It scares him.

When the crowd becomes smaller and the photographers leave, Chris says he’s going to get a couple drinks. Mackie takes one look at Sebastian and already knows better than to tag along, wishing them goodnight. He appreciates the gesture, not knowing what to say. As he follows Chris down the vacant neon-lit streets, he gets just enough courage to reach out again.

Sebastian touches the other man’s palm lightly, hesitant. Chris turns his head at him, curious and delighted. He interlaces their fingers, swaying their joined hands in the cold air. They lock eyes and have one of their unspoken conversations. _I wanted to hold you all night. I’m so glad you’re here with me. I missed you._

Chris always knows what Sebastian needs without question. A soft pat to the chest when he looks nervous. An invitation to hang out when he acts quiet. A bit of space and a reassuring smile when he’s out of it. A kind compliment to lift his spirits and make him feel appreciated during hectic days.

They just fit together. Sebastian ponders whether it was all fate. Their destiny written out for them in the stars before it all started. Not getting cast in that other movie, instead trying out for Captain America, getting to be Bucky instead, leading him here. Still at Chris’ side 3 movies and 6 years later.

It’s past midnight when they return to Chris’ room, Sebastian’s room conveniently on the same floor. Pitch black has long swallowed the space around them as they lay in bed tired from draining movie promo, of course followed by pleasure once in private.

Chris spoons him from behind with a hand tracing patterns on the bare skin of his hip. He nudges his prominent nose gently against Sebastian’s neck. He thinks Sebastian is asleep. He isn’t.

It’s a whisper, drowsy and maybe not even a conscious confession. But they’ve never said it before.

“ _I love you_.”

Sebastian’s breath hitches and his eyes flutter open as he turns his head back to face him.

Chris surprisingly doesn’t appear startled, but he does look at him with hope and trepidation in his eyes, slightly more awake.

Sebastian’s mouth opens and closes, unable to speak as if the entirety of his bilingual skills have escaped him. “You...”

Slowly, Chris nods in response. Before Sebastian can make a fool out of himself and leave the man with fear any longer, he aligns their lips. It’s the most desperate kiss he’s ever given someone in his life.

Chris sighs happily into his mouth and reciprocates every part of it. Cupping the other man’s cheek with one hand, Sebastian leans back in for another warm press of lips before pulling away.

“I love you too.” He replies, voice wrecked. “Chris, _I’m in love with you_.”

Chris’ grip on his hip tightens, and he moves his hand up the expanse of Sebastian’s body, fondly feeling up his chest. In between kisses he shyly asks, “How long?”

 _Two years he’s known. But that’s not good enough. His heart hasn’t belonged to him for six. His soul’s been searching for Chris’ all his life._ “Always.” He whispers. “Always.”

Chris loses himself watching Seb, as if he’s trying to memorize every part of his face. His breathing picks up when he professes, absolutely gone for him, “ _Baby_.” Which Seb translates as, _me too._

Their lips are still touching and they connect them again, more passionately and heated than before.

The room fills with that sound, soft gasps when Chris reaches down to get him off again, broken moans when Seb flips to climb on top of him, spending the rest of the night clinging together like long lost lovers.

It was a night that would change the rest of their lives, they knew. 

When Sebastian returns to Singapore 2 years later, that memory never leaves his mind.

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Boston, 2017**

Chris is sitting in his parents’ living room on New Years Eve, their annual party in full swing all around him.

He always looks forward to seeing his big family during the holidays, but most of all his mom and his sister’s kids. They ground Chris and remind him of who he is deep down, beyond the superficial and shallow layers of fame. It never fails to feel like a vacation to return back to his hometown, and leave all stress behind.

Except for this time.

When the endless snow isn’t the only reason why his head hangs heavy and his bones feel cold. Why his hands are shaking and his eyes sting. Why his smiles don’t come as easily as they used to.

Chris doesn’t want to worry his mom, he really doesn’t, so he accepts her offering of hot tea. _To_ _lift_ _his_ _holiday_ _spirits_ , she’d said. Despite how much he actually wants to leave before any countdown even begins. Everything was going great up until a few months ago anyway.

Before he and Seb broke up.

He never told her or his family about him, although he was planning on it, and it just seems pointless now.

Especially since he didn’t intend on wearing his emotions on his sleeve today. Chris figured he already shed enough tears, and couldn’t bare to let himself be vulnerable again.

5 months ago, Sebastian walked out of his life. And he pushed him to the door. Everyone finished production for Infinity War, and had one month of time off before starting the sequel. What was supposed to be celebration, ended in heartbreak. Chris blames himself.

Real arguments were rare for Chris and Sebastian; they weren’t the type to fight. At least not without trying to resolve it. The honesty and loyalty they shared made them compatible. But it also made arguments that much more terrifying, because they would be the real deal. And when Chris got frustrated and Sebastian got stubborn, it fueled the fire.

It all started because of a stupid comment he made on his career.

-

 _5_ _months_ _ago_

Sebastian sighs, finally getting off the phone with his agent after a lengthy call, and proceeds to sit down next to Chris on the couch to continue their latest X-Files marathon. Even though Chris un-pauses the episode and lets Netflix do its thing, he can’t help but notice the tension in Sebastian’s shoulders or how he clasps his hands.

He puts a light hand on his knee before casually asking, “Everything ok?”

Seb meets his gaze and smiles tiredly. “Yeah, just.. so much stuff going on y’know. Booked up like crazy till the end of the year.”

Chris nods back knowingly. Seb has the I, Tonya press circuit coming up this fall, and of course one more Avengers film to finish up alongside him. It’s no doubt gonna be a shit-ton of work.

“Yeah, I get that. But I’m proud of you, you handle it so well.”

Seb grins, touched, and shakes his head at his lap. “Also got a bunch of new scripts to look at, _super exciting_.”

Leaning over, Sebastian grabs a bunch of papers from the coffee table and hands them to Chris. Chris stares, intrigued, and starts to leaf through them - Mulder and Scully bantering in the background.

“It’s nothing promising so far. I haven’t decided on if any are worth it.” He adds.

Chris hums in confirmation. As he skims over script after script, his heart sinks just a little. Each one has an overused plot, weak supporting characters. No real philosophy, no soul behind it. These are the projects Seb is up for? The guy has so much talent, and it would all be wasted here. It’s disappointing.

Seb catches the deep frown that’s enveloped his expression. “What is it?”

“Nothing just,” Chris hesitates. “Your agent thinks you’re really considering these?”

“Yeah, I mean... I don’t know. The directors said the parts were mine next year if i was interested. I might take them up on that if nothing else comes along.”

The tone Chris uses is decidedly more careful. “Don’t you think there’s something better waiting out there?”

Seb takes a takes a deep breath and rolls his eyes. “I’ll take what I can get sometimes. And it’s not always easy like – you know how great getting to skip the audition process is.”

He sounds a bit bitter now, possibly at the fact that Chris has a better shot at getting constant jobs. He didn’t mean to offend him, but for some reason the only thing that comes next out of Chris’ mouth is, “They’re shit roles, Seb.”

Suddenly the air in the room is uncomfortable, and he removes his hand from the other man’s knee.

“What do you care?” Seb teases, a quick lift of his eyebrows to emphasize it. “Ashamed of me?”

“No, I–” Chris is too slow to respond. It was an obvious joke, but his mouth can’t seem to do anything other than fumble. That’s where he fucks up. Sebastian abruptly switches the course of the whole conversation when his eyes widen with hurt.

“You think my career’s a big joke then.” Seb interrogates, simultaneously self-deprecating and as if he’s just come to a painful realization. He scoots away from Chris on the couch cushion so he can properly angle his body at him.

“Of course not, no. You just deserve better!” Chris explains hurriedly. He can’t bear seeing any trace of a misunderstanding between the two of them.

“I’m not enough for you.”

“You know that’s not what I meant.”

“What did you mean, then?” Seb counters a bit softer, incredulous look on his face. He shakes his head, attempting to be rational again. “What is this really about, Chris?”

“Sebastian...” His full name feels strange on Chris’ tongue. “Having a lead role isn’t everything, I know that for a fact. Taking the first thing that comes along isn’t wise it’s – you should focus on the story you’re telling and if it’ll make a difference. I know you’re better than that. You’re better than those movies. They’re holding you back.” His voice is concerned and caring, but the loud volume of it could be misleading.

“Holding me back from what?”

“You should just-“ Chris trips over his words before Sebastian interrupts him, fuming and irritated. _“You don’t know what I want.”_

It’s a low blow, he knows they both value each other’s advice for this industry dearly. But it begins to make Chris feel like shit. Like maybe he shouldn’t talk so much, try to help so much.

“What do you want then? Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Chris derails the feud, not sure where he’s going with this.

 _With you_ , Sebastian nearly shouts. But he’s hit with a wave of confusion now. _What does he want?_

Taking advantage of the other man’s silence, Chris continues hopelessly, “Do you wanna be stuck where you are right now, or do you wanna take risks and actually get where you hoped you would?”

“And where is that?” Is all Sebastian manages to choke out, the inquiry sounding more like a statement.

“I don’t know.” Chris says, exasperated. “Getting important projects, recognition...” His voice catches in his throat and he swallows hard. “Marriage. Kids.”  
  
Sebastian looks him deeply in the eyes, brows furrowing to the point of looking painful. He sighs roughly. “I should’ve known.” Chris is dumbfounded, and just stares.

“You think _you’re_ holding me back.” He says, rough and distant. “That’s what this is.”

Allowing himself to verbally agree, realizing Sebastian is right, Chris folds. “You have so much ahead of you. Don’t let me ruin it. I’m distracting you. From focusing on your life, on your future.

“ _My_ future.” Sebastian parrots.

So in Chris’ mind, future meant _not_ a future with Sebastian. And to think, all this time he’d only ever seen himself living the foreseeable days on the calendar beside Chris. Of course, that wasn’t real. Real life wasn’t them. Real life was ultimately finding a nice girl to marry, and have children with. That’s the story he’d been taught from the start. Why should he be doing any different? _Be realistic_ , that’s what his publicists always told him.

Chris must’ve known all along that this couldn’t be permanent. After all, Chris is the one who probably wants to start a family as soon as possible. There comes a point where being an eligible bachelor in Hollywood just becomes pathetic. He’s 36, still single, with nieces and nephews constantly paraded around him by his extended family. He knows Sebastian is an only child, knows he isn’t interested in the idea of marriage, knows they’d have to keep it so damn quiet if he ever was. It’s clear to him now.

Sebastian looks at himself then, and only sees a broken clock. Cracked glass that won’t get Chris where he wants in the end. He’d pushed the idea of settling down so far back in his mind that he almost forgot it was there. Being honest with himself, he wasn’t sure he even wanted it with any women in past relationships, let alone men. But now there was _Chris_ , and he wants it so badly, for the first time in his life. He wants to settle down with Chris.

But Chris wants someone real. Someone he can take as his plus one to red carpets. Someone he can openly kiss out in broad daylight. Not Sebastian. Never him. 7 years down the drain.

“I think you’re right.”

Chris gawks at him. “What?”

“You’re right. I should find someone else.” His hands shake, voice trembling. “Live upstate, fancy house, big backyard for the fucking kids to play in. Huge ugly public wedding.”

Eyes red, Chris just nods silently, immune to his sarcasm.

“Maybe a supermodel, huh?” He yells, face burning now. His stomach drops deep and he almost feels like he’s going to be sick. Sebastian decides to twist the knife in since that’s what Chris wants. “Or fall for one my new co-stars, since that worked out so well before.”

When he looks more closely at Chris, he sees that he’s openly crying. Stinging tears fall from his own face and he wants to sink into the floor. Sebastian should go. He needs to go, he needs to get out. Or he’ll break. But his brain is screaming at the man in front of him. _Say something, anything. Change my mind. Prove that you want me. That you ever wanted me._

Chris’ jaw tightens and he replies with a patience that Sebastian hates, it rips him apart from the inside. “You should do what makes you happy.”

“ _Have a nice life_ , Chris.”

-

Chris was selfish. He told Seb whatever it took to get him to leave. He let him go. In retrospect, he was the complete asshole in this situation. But he thought he knew what Seb wanted - tried to make it easier for him, take the hit for him.

Sebastian was always the one who was most hesitant in their relationship. When things first started brewing between them and became intimate, overwhelming, official - he kept one foot in, one foot out of the Chris Evans swimming pool. He was the one who dated women longer - kept trying to convince himself Chris wasn’t a big deal. And even when they did fully commit to one another, as fantastic and out-of-this-world as that was, Seb was visibly tense in public. Something about him froze up and hardened and hid itself away.

Chris considered what it could be that entire year. He came to the conclusion that Seb was ashamed of him, or at least resentful. Chris can’t give him what he wants, and maybe Seb changed his mind - didn’t want him anymore or any man for that matter. Because he’s not like that, he’s not one to self-sabotage his own career like Chris is.

But now, week after week of loneliness and isolation, Chris came to a final conclusion: he’s a fucking idiot.

He can’t let the fear of losing Sebastian win, it would kill him. He has to try, at least one more time.

After all, they fought so hard to be where they were, why’d he have to go brainless into Seb’s apartment that night and ruin it all?

And who knows, there could be a chance he got it all wrong, that Seb is hating his guts right now for pushing him away, instead of feeling free from his hold. But he knows that the hate would be there only because Seb still loves him like crazy. And with that in the cards, Chris is going to fucking take that fucking chance.

“Ma, I gotta go, something came up.” He rushes out, barely aware of what he’s saying.

The jasmine tea is still steaming on the table, abandoned in the den, when he bolts out the door, briefly saying sorry and goodnight as he gives his mom one last kiss on the cheek and doesn’t bother to wave at everyone crowded by the plasma TV.

Chris’ feet take him flying through the brisk cold air, outside to the seat of his car, and suddenly he finds himself at the airport. He doesn’t have a suitcase or anything, doesn’t give a shit about that or the fact that he only has a light coat on and it’s freezing.

Once he parks, he rushes through the sea of people at Logan desperate to get any flight boarding soon to New York. But then, like something out of a goddamn fairy tale.. _Sebastian_.

Sebastian Stan is standing there. In a Boston airport. On New Years Eve. Chris would know him anywhere.

He’s holding his luggage with one hand while carrying a black backpack, scarf wrapped around his pale neck and hat firmly placed on his head. And he’s fucking gorgeous. Chris feels like he’s in a dream, and he just might cry again. But the moment shifts when Seb turns his head, and sees him.

And just like that, Chris’ heart restarts and swells in his chest. For a while he almost thought it wouldn’t ever work again.

“Chris?” The oh-so-familiar voice is suddenly right in front of him, confused and in awe all the same. Sebastian’s face is pink from the cold and his eyes are big and blue as ever. Even though he’d seen Seb on set during filming their final movie together, they didn’t speak off camera, staying uncharacteristically as far apart as possible wherever the directors called cut. Now, electricity sparks in the space between them.

“Seb.” He murmurs softly.

“What are you doing here?”

Chris pauses for a second, _isn’t he the one supposed to be asking that question?_ Ok, might as well just say it then. “I was.. coming to see you.”

He’s anxious as hell and even scared, but it’s nearly a comfort when Seb appears the same when he says, “Yeah, me too.”

Awkward silence doesn’t have the chance to fully settle over them, because of all things, Chris starts laughing. It’s light and a little forced at first, but as he gets hysterical, Seb joins in. And _god_ , is it such a relief to hear that. To see him smile again.

“I thought you would resent me.”

Sebastian is startled by his sudden change of topic. “What?”

”I thought you would resent me if I didn’t end it before it was too late. When you – when you finally realized you regretted spending all these years with me.” 

“Chris–“

“Seb, I’m so fucking sorry.”

Chris’ smile doesn’t fade, but the sad layer behind it comes out. His eyes brim with hot tears because he really doesn’t deserve to have this right now. Sebastian watches him with reverence.

“I didn’t listen to you enough and acted real shitty and I’m _so sorry_.”

Seb bites down on his lip, “You really hurt me, you know? You made me think I wasn’t real to you, Chris.” It’s low and hushed and heartbreaking.

Chris frantically shakes his head and gasps, “ _No_.”

“But not once, not ever, did I regret my years with you. And even if I could go back, I wouldn’t change a _second_. I want my future to have you in it, _you have to know that_ by now.”

“I didn’t think you – that I was even–“

“ _You are_.” Sebastian’s bottom lip is shaking and his eyes are glassy. “You’re it for me.”

Chris’ chest is aching so badly, pounding loud in his ears, that he almost doesn’t hear Seb’s confession, and the forgiveness embedded in it.

“I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have said those things... I couldn’t stop thinking about it and how horrible I was, I couldn’t sleep.”

Chris frowns, “I guess we’re even then.”

He gets a small humorless laugh in response.

“I’d do _anything_ , Seb. Anything for you.” His expression hopelessly offers him the world.

“Anything?” Sebastian breathes shallowly, closer to him than before. “Don’t ever let me go again.” He murmurs sweetly, but with purpose.

Chris huffs a half-laugh, half-sob in disbelief. _Never_.

He knows they’re still not in fucking private and anybody could recognize them, but he doesn’t care anymore when he asks, “Can I kiss you?”

Seb lifts a gentle hand to touch his face, “I might die if you don’t.”

They share a small smile, both happier than they’ve been in months.

Chris drags him into a slow, tender kiss. It melts away all the ice and pain, it feels like home, and it tastes like coffee and airplane peanuts. Chris wouldn’t trade this for anything. When Sebastian grabs his hair with both hands in earnest, a whine escapes Chris’ mouth and he tangles his fingers in the front of Seb’s shirt. He missed him so much. Each hard press of lips is an unspoken apology, a prayer, a promise.

He pulls away only to whisper against the other man’s mouth, “I love you, I love you, I love you,” over and over, until Seb pants unevenly and kisses him again. It’s more rough and hungry this time, but not any less affectionate.

They embrace for several more long heavenly moments in the middle of that crowded terminal, starting the new year right.

And later, in the safe warm seclusion of Chris’ house in Boston, they slow dance to one of Seb’s playlists, holding each other until they can’t stay awake anymore, helping them both forget the time ever spent apart.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is it for now! hope u like it. i plan to post the last chapters all at once as soon as i get the time to write <3


	6. Chapter 6

**New** **York** , **2019**

 

Today was the day.

Chris is sitting on a dark leather couch in a filming studio in Manhattan, nervously overlocking his fingers and moving around his thumbs. His thigh was shaking with adrenaline and he could feel a bead of sweat travel down his brow. The woman interviewing him today sat calmly in her own chair, organizing her note cards, despite not knowing at all what the conversation would entail. To his benefit, this wouldn’t be a televised interview, and that fact alone put him more at ease.

Once they finished brief introductions and small talk, she started off asking the standard, “so what topic brings you here today?” question, politely awaiting his answer as he took several deep breaths.

After 38 years, Chris was finally going to say it.

“I’m bisexual.”

He could see the surprise form on her face; styled eyebrows raising slightly and mouth falling agape, a spark of curiosity in the woman’s eyes that she almost gives into, before of course continuing with professional behavior. He shuffles in his seat. She nods easily.

“And what made you decide to come out now?”

Chris exhales. He can do this.

“It took me a really long time to fully comprehend...I spent the first two and a half decades of my life thinking I wasn’t. And _then_ , I realized I was just pushing those thoughts away, to the back of my mind. Older generations of men, we’re still outgrowing different levels of toxic masculinity.” 

Another deep breath. “It’s the society we live in, y’know. Our brains are formed by it. You grow up raised to be – it’s so –“ Chris fumbles mid-rant. “What’s the word?” There’s a minor pause.

“Heteronormative?”

“Heteronormative. Thank you.” He runs a hand through his longer hair. “Men in this business especially, are advised to stay in the closet. It’s repressive, and harmful, and it’s frankly false advertising. It needs to end.” Chris shakes his head, shameful, then starts to speak softer, “My family has always been a great support system for me. My whole life, they’ve taught me compassion, self-love. At the end of the day, I owe my courage to them.”

The interviewer looks down for a moment, before prompting him further. “And your younger brother is openly gay, right?” 

Chris smiles at the mention of Scott.

“Yes. His coming out helped me, in a way, to cultivate understanding for the LGBT community. And I’ve never felt any sort of backlash or friction as a result of the stance I’ve taken in my career in support of him.”

“What was it like when you told him?” She kindly asks.

“Scary.” Chris laughs. It makes the interviewer grin in sympathy. “But I was there for him when he was afraid of what would happen, so he was there for me. Also my sisters too. And my mom, she was thrilled.” He laughs again, lighter.

After a moment Chris grows stern again, reflecting on how important this could be for readers.

“It was complicated, to realize that I don’t have to conform to any standard. That I don’t have to let others define me. Your identity belongs to _you_ ; no labels or stereotypes are necessary for you to be yourself. I can have intimate relationships with both women and men without having a certain appearance or personality. Sexuality is a spectrum that doesn’t even need to be labeled if you don’t want to. God, I hope that makes sense.”

“It does. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this matter. I can see that it means a lot to you.” The woman replies gently. 

“I’m glad I–“ Chris’ voice breaks. “I’m glad I did. I was tired of staying away – I want to keep using my platform to help people. And I also want to be honest about who I am.”

They spend the next few minutes casually talking more about what specifically Chris wants to do for the LGBT community, his influence as a former Marvel franchise star, how he hopes people won’t use this news against his character, and what projects he plans to work on next that involve expressing his identity.

“May I ask you a personal question?” The interviewer says, after noticing the confidence Chris has built up over the course of their conversation.

“Sure.”

“Is there a special reason, maybe...” She eyes Chris with the curiosity from earlier again. “A special _someone_ in your life at the moment, that convinced you the timing was right?”

Chris looks skeptical for a second, knowing exactly what she’s getting at, before smiling down at his feet and running both palms over his thighs. He figures it won’t hurt to say something vague. 

“Yeah he–“ the single word makes him blush heavily, “He’s great. I wouldn’t be here without him. 

The interviewer playfully teases, “Does _he_ have a name?”

Chris’ face falls a little but he perks back up quickly. “I’d prefer not to disclose that, if you don’t mind. At least for now. Our relationship, it’s really important to me. I don’t want to force him into the spotlight, ever, when he’s not ready for that kind of pressure or invasion of privacy. I’m kinda protective to be quite honest with you. And maybe doing this first will help him in the long run, make it easier on _him_. He’s the sweetest man in the world...” A watery smile crosses his face. “Maybe even the love of my life. And I’d like to keep that to myself, just for me, for a little while longer.” 

When Chris looks back up at the interviewer, her eyes are shining and she wipes one of them with a free hand, possibly concealing a stray tear. She smiles back with compassion that he appreciates.

The woman jokes with a wiggle of her eyebrows, “Am I hearing wedding bells?” 

He laughs out loud, clutching his chest, out of pure happiness opposed to the anxiety driven chuckles from earlier.

“I hope so.” Chris quietly admits. “Keep that off the record though.”

The interviewer winks at him, and expertly makes a segway, “Any final sentiments for our _People_ readers?”

Chris rubs a shy hand over the back of his neck, “I just want everyone to know that this doesn’t change anything about me. I’ll still live the way I always have, albeit a bit more freely than before. And to anyone out there, still navigating their adolescence, figuring out their sexuality, afraid to accept yourself or come out... please take care of yourself. Take your time. Surround yourself with those who love and care about you. It’s ok to be scared. But sometimes being happy is more important than what other people think.”

“Beautifully said. Thank you again for speaking with us today.”

“Thank _you_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> disclaimer: this is still a work of fiction, and i do not claim to know anyone’s person life or feel entitled to label anyone’s real sexuality (gay or straight!). as mentioned above, people can be anything they want to be and that’s their business alone. this is just an interpretation and reflection of my own experiences.


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